Recently from the Annex

The truth is...I'm not very involved with the art world at all. I'd like to say that that doesn't mean I am not an artist. And in the end I do believe that to be true. It's us against ourselves. We have to come to terms with our relationship to status. What is our status? How much of an artist are we?

I am not in the current of first, second or even fifth string artists, as far as is indicated by stats like have I had my work in the Venice Bienale. Do I have any work at all, in a major museum, in a minor museum? No! That's the facts. I'm not being mentioned in shows or having a solo show in New York or any city for that matter.

I work at Goodwill. I'm a manager there. (I just got out of there actually from my workday.)

I'm at a point where I just want to be able to give myself to my present. My job challenges me everyday to do just that. So it really seems like I am heading towards store management.

Maybe my karma is all screwed up.

Maybe it's time I just give in to the relentless positivity of my position at Goodwill and work the job like a true love, to free myself from the drag of having myself stated on my Linked In as a store shift leader and an artist. Goodwill is keeping ...or is it th art keeping it all together for me? Ah, I just want to scream "what's going on" sometimes! If I even start to let go of art in my heart I feel unfortunate. I'm really learning patience here and fortitude. Keep walking for exercise. Keep making healthy food choices. Stay the course.

Reality is a real kind of strange, loose-grind. It's all held together by the faintest threads and yet its call is relentless, its pull is so strong it stares you down until you are humbled, and have a mental breakdown and give up on your dreams and go with 'what works' even if it is totally foreign because nothing ACTUALLY worked out, it was all just plans and wishes and piled up fantasies and wishful thinking. I come here to the Annex to pour my heart out, to tap into a cooler me as if my presence at work is not enough or rather because in the past I did not want to let myself 'fall in love' with a company, 'someone else's' company, idea, dream!

{a day passes...}

I am at work now on my lunch. It is just about 5:30pm. I am able to reflect here in this free time. Of course nothing is really free but 'now' is a special time for me, the time during my lunch because my life is brought into perspective. My life situation is brought into the clearing of the day's passing dreams and ever fleeting wishes. I love that I can access my studio, The Studio, here at this 'moment'.

I always think how can I make the brick and mortar store where I work to be more like a studio, like working at the workstation I used to own made by Roland called an XP 80. I could play with that thing for hours, but it's not just that time flew by that I liked it, it was that I would have finished products, songs of my very own creation, to listen to and to share with friends and family.

I'm here at Goodwill 'all the time' so to speak and I want my time to be as meaningful as possible.

Life has completely changed for me in some very big ways. This job is like my salvation. My art could not evidently stand alone it seems to need a symbiotic occupation to give it a counter balance thus I never commit fully to it as if a job and yet I can never fully let it go because it is such a deep part of who I am!

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